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T H E

LIFE AND ADVENTURES

O F

PETER PORCUPINE,

\vith A FULL AND FAIR ACCOUNT

O F

All his Authoring Tranfaftions;

REING A SURE AND INFALLIBLE GUIDE FOR ALL ENTERPRISING YOUNG MEN WHO WISH TO MAKE A FORTUNE BY WRITING

PAMPHLETS.

BY PETER PORCUPINE Himfelf.

« Now, you lying Varlets, you fliall fee how a plain tale wil

*' put you down."

Shakespeare.

PHILADELPHIA:

Printed for, and fold by, William Cobbett, at No. 25, North Second Street, oppofite Chrift Church. m.dccxcvi. is* Lf-r~I

PREFACE.

1

M-IE Celebrated Dean of St. Patrick's fome- where obferves, that a man of talents no fooner emerges from obfcurity than all the block- heads are inftantly up in arms againft him. Fully perfuaded of the truth of this obferva- tion, I mould have been prepared for hoftility, had I imagined myfelf a man of talents ; but, knowing the contrary too well, I little expect- ed that the harmlefs elTays from my pen would have conjured up againft me this numerous and frupid hoft. It is their misfortune, never to form a right conception of any perfon or thing, and therefore their abufe is not always a cer- tain proof of merit in the obje6l on which it is bellowed: their ignorance lelTens the honour conferred by their envy, hatred and malice.

I have long been the butt of the filly afper- iions of this grovelling tribe; but their fpite never discovered itfelf in its deepeft colours, till they faw me, as they imagined, " iilue from " poverty to the appearance of better condi- " tion." Then it was that their gall ran over, and jaundiced their whole countenances; then it was that the ftupideft of all ftupid gazettes, that lewd and common ftrumpet, the Aurora, became pregnant with the following bajiard, as abundant in falfehood as any one that ever fprang from the loins of Poor Richard.

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iv PREFACE.

"FOR THE AURORA.

HISTORY OF PETER PORCUPINE.

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" Mr. Bache,

"As the people of America may not be w informed who Peter Porcupine is, the celebrated manufacturer of lies, and retailer of filth, I will give you fome little account of this peftiferous animal. This wretch was obliged to abfcond from his darling Old Eng- " land to avoid being turned off into the other " world before, what he fuppofed, his time. " It may be well imagined, that in a land of " liberty and flowing with milk and honey, his " precipitate retreat could not have been owing " to any oiFence committed againfl the govern- " ment very honourable to himfelf. Gnawed " by the worm that never dies, his own wretch- " ednefs would ever prevent him from making " any attempt in favour of human happinefs. " His ufual occupation at home was that of a garret-fcribbler, excepting a little night buft* nefi occafionally, to fupply unavoidable ex- igencies; Grubb-ftreet did not anfwer his purpofes, and being fcented by certain tip- ftaffs for fomething more than fcribbling, he took a French leave for France. His evil genius purfued him here, and as his fingers were as long as ever, he was obliged as iud- denly to leave the Republic, which has now

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PREFACE. v

" drawn forth all his venom for her attempt to *c do him jujlice. On his arrival in this coun- " try, he figured fome time as a pedagogue ; " but as this employment fcarcely furnifhed " him fait to his porridge, he having been li- terally without hardly bread to eat, and not " a fecond fhirt to his back," he refumed his old " occupation of fcribbling, having little chance : of fuccefs in the other employments which | drove him to this country. His talent at lies and Billingsgate rhetoric, introduced him to the notice of a certain foreign agent, who was known during the Revolution by the name of traitor. This faid agent has been feen to pay frequent vifits to Peter. To *' atone for his tranfgreffions in the mother country, as well as to get a little more bread to eat than he had been aecuftomed to, he enlifted in the caufe of his gracious Majefty. From the extreme of poverty and filth, he has fuddenly fprouted into at leaft the ap- pearance of better condition ; for he has tak- " en a houfe for the fale of his large poifon, at tl the enormous rent of twelve hundred dollars " a year, and has paid a years rent in advance ! I " The public will now be enabled to account " for the_ overflowings of his gall againft the Republic of France, and the Republicans of this country, as well as his devotion to the caufe of tyranny and of Kings. From the frequency of vifits paid him by the agent already mentioned, and his fudden change of condition, jecret Jer vie e-money muft have been liberally employed; for 'his zeal to make atonement to his mother country feems

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vi PREFACE.

" proportioned to the magnitude of his of- " fence, and the guineas advanced. As this fl fugitive felon has crept from his hole, his " quills will now become harmlefs ; for hither- " to they have only excited apprehenfion be- " cauie the beaft who lliot them was conceal- " ed. I have a number of anecdotes refpedl- " ing him, that I will ibon trouble you with, " for the amufement of the public. This ftate- " ment will convince Peter, that I know " him well, and that I have only difcloied a " part of the truth.

" PAUL HEDGEHOG.

35

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This Paul Hedgehog I know nothing of. I can hardly fuppofe that he is one of my cou- fins at New- York: if he be, for the honour of our family, I hope that he is a baftard. But, let Paul be what he will, he is not the only one who has attempted to fink me in the opinion of a public that has ever honoured my effays with diftinguilhed marks of approba- tion. I have been well informed, that it is currently reported, that Mr. Thomas Bradford* the Book-ieller, " put a coat upon my back," and that, when I was firft favoured with his patronage, I had not a " fecond ftiirt to my " back."

PREFACE.

vii

Were I to calculate upon the ufual opera- tions of truth and gratitude, I fhould look up- on it as impoflible that infmuations of this kind had ever been thrown out by Mr. Brad- ford, or any of his family; but, now-a-days, in this happy age of reafon and liberty, we fee fuch extraordinary things happen in the world, that to doubt, at leaft, does not argue an excefs of credulity or incredulity.

Let the propagators of all thefe falfehoods be wno they may, I am much obliged to them for givmg me this opportunity of publifhW the Hiftory of my Life and Adventures, a thing that I was determined to do, whenever a fair occafion offered, and which never could have been fo well timed as at the moment when I am ftepping into a iituation, where I may probably continue for the reft of mv life. J

I here remember well what I faid in my Ob- fervations on the Emigration of Dofior Prieftley 1 No man has a right to pry into his neigh- bour s private concerns ; and the opinions of every man are his private concerns, while he keeps them fo j that is to fay, while they are confined to himfelf, his family and parti- cular friends ; but, when he makes thofe opi- nions public; when he once attempts to make converts, whether it be in religion, politics, or any thing elfe; when he once comes forward as a candidate for public ad- miration^ efteem or compaffion, his opinions, his principles, his motives, every adion of

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Vlll

PREFACE.

" his life, public or private, become the fair " fubject of public difcumon.'^

. This is a principle I laid down in the firft original page I ever wrote for the prefs. On this principle it is, that I think myfelf juftifi- ed in the prefent publication, and that I am ready to approve of others for publiihing what- ever they may know concerning me. Let them write on, till their old pens are worn to the flump : let the devils fweat; let them fire their balls at my reputation, till the very prefs cries out murder. If ever they hear me whine or complain, I will give them leave to fritter my carcafs and trail my guts along the ftreet, as the French fans-culottes did thofe of Thomas Mauduit.

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THE

LIFE AND ADVENTURES

O F

PETER PORCUPINE.

TO be descended from an llluftrious fami- , ly certainly reflects honour on any man, in fpite of the fans-culotte principles of the prefent day. This is, however, an honour that I have no pretention to. All that I can boaft of in my birth, is, that I was born in Old Eng- land; the country from whence came the men who explored and fettled North America J the country of Penn, and of the father and mo- ther of General Wafhington.

With refpecl to my anceftors, I fhall go no further back than my grand-father, and for this plain reafon, that I never heard talk of any prior to laity He was a day-labourer, and I have heard my father fay, that he worked for one farmer from the day of his marriage to

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that of his death, upwards of forty years. He died before I was born, but I have often flept beneath the lame roof that had fheltered him, and where his widow dwelt for feveral years af- ter his death. It was a little thatched cottage with a garden before the door. It had but two win- dows; a damfon tree fhaded one, and a clump ©f filberts the other. Here I and my brothers went every Chriffma* and Whitfuntide, to fpend a week Or two, and torment the poor old woman with our noife and dilapidations. She ufed to give us milk and bread for break- faft, an apple pudding for our dinner, and a piece of bread and cheefe for iupper. Her fire was made of turf, cut from the neighbour- ing heath, and her evening light was a rufh dipped ingreafe.

How much better is it, thus to tell the naked truth, than to defcend to fuch miferable lhifts as Doctor Franklin has had recourfe to, in or- der to perfuade people, that his fore-fathers were men of wealth and confideration. Not being able to refer his reader to the herald's office for proofs of the fame and antiquity of his family, he appeals to the etymology of his name, and points out a paiTage in an obfolete book, whence he has the confeience toinfift.on our concluding, that, in the Old Englifti lan- guage, a Franklin meant a man of good reputa- tion and of confequence. According to Doctor Johnfon, a Franklin was what we now call a gentleman's fteward or land-bailiff, a perfonage one degree above a bumbailiff, and that's all.

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Every one will, I hope, have the goodnefs to believe, that my grandfather was no philo- sopher. Indeed he was not- He never made a lightning rod nor bottled up a fingle quart of fun-mine in the whole courfe of his life. He was no almanac-maker, nor quack, nor chimney-doftor, nor foap-boiler, nor ambaiTa- dor, nor printer's devil : neither was he a de- ift, and all his children were born in wedlock. The legacies he left, were, his fcythe, his reap- hook, and his flail; he bequeathed no old and irrecoverable debts to an hofpital : he never cheated the poor during hu life, nor mocked them in his death. He has, it is true, been fuffered to ileep quietly beneath the green-ford; but, if his descendants cannot point to his frame over the door of a library, they have not the mor- tification to hear him daily accufed of having been a whoremafter, a hvpocrite and an in- fidel.

My father, when I was born, was a farmer. The reader will eafily believe, from the pover- ty of his parents, that he had received no ve- ry brilliant education : he was, however, learn- ed, for a man in his rank of life. When a little boy, he drove plough for two-pence a day, and thefe his earnings were appropriated to the expenfes of an evening fchool. What a village fchool-mafier could beexpe&edto teach, he had learnt, and had befides considerably improved himfelf in feveral branches of the mathematicks. He underftood land furveying well, and was often chofen to draw the plans of difputed territory: in fhort, he had the re-

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putation of poflfeffing experience and under- flanding, which never fails, in England, to give a man in a country place, fome little weight with his neighbours. He was honeft, in- dubious, and frugal ; it was not, therefore, won- derful, that he mould be fituated in a good farm, and happy in a wife of his own rank, like him, beloved and renSecled.

So much for my anceftors, from whom, if I derive no honour, I derive no fhame.

I had (and I hope I yet have) three bro- thers : the eldeft is a mop-keeper, the fecond a farmer, and the youngeft, if alive, is in the iervice of the Honourable Eaft India company, a private foldier, perhaps, as I have been in the fervice of the king. I was born on the ninth of March 1766: the exacl age of my brothers I have forgotten, but I remember hav- ing heard my mother fay, that there was but three years and three quarters difference be- tween the age of the oldeft and that of the youngeft.

A father like ours, it will be readily fuppof- ed did not fuffer us to eat the bread of idlenefs. I do not remember the time when I did not earn my living. My firit occupation was, driv- ing the fmall birds from the turnip feed, and the rooks from the peas. When I firit trudged a-field, with my wooden bottle and my fatchel fwung over my moulders, I was hardly able to climb the gates and fiiles, and, at the clofe of the day, to reach home was a ta/k of infi-

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nite difficulty. My next employment was weed- ing wheat, and leading a (ingle horfe at har- rowing barley. Hoeing peas followed, and hence I arrived at the honour of joining the reapers in harveft, driving the team and hold- ing plough. We were all of us ftrong and la- borious, and my father ufed to boaft, that he had four boys, the eldeft of whom was but fif- teen years old, who did as much work as any three men in the parifh of Farnham- Honeft pride, and happy days !

I have fome faint recollection of going to fchool to an old woman, who, I believe, did not fucceed in learning me my letters. In the winter evenings my father learnt us all to read and write, and gave us a pretty tolerable knowledge of arithmetic. Grammar he did not perfectly underftand himfelf, and there- fore his endeavours to learn us that, neceiTari- ly failed ; for, though he thought he underftood it, and though he made us get the rules by heart, we learnt nothing at all of the princi- ples.

Our religion was that of the Church of Eng- land, to which I have ever remained attach- ed; the more fo, perhaps, as it bears the name of my country. As my anceitors were never perlecuted for their religious opinions, they never had an opportunity of giving iuch a lin- gular proof of their faith as Doclor FranklL's grandfather did, when he kept his Bible under the lid of a clofe-itool. (\\ hat a book-cai j .) If I had been in the place of Doctor iran^i-i,

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I never would have related this ridiculous cir- cumftance, efpecially as it muft be conftrued into a boaft of his grandfather's having an ex- traordinary degree of veneration for a book, which, it is well known, he himfelf durst not believe in.

As to politics, we were like the reft of the country people in England; that is to fay, we neither knew or thought any thing about the matter. The fhouts of vidtory or the mur- murs at a defeat, would now-and-then break in upon our tranquillity for a moment ; but I do not remember ever having feen a news-paper in the houfe, and molt certainly that privation did not render us lefs induftrious, happy or free.

After, however, the American war had con- tinued for fome time, and the caufe and nature of it began to be underftood, or rather mifun« derftood, by the lower claiTes of the people in England, we became a little better acquainted with fubjects of this kind. It is well known, that the people were, as to numbers, nearly equally divided in their opinions concerning that war, and their wifhes refpe&ing the refult of it. My father was a partizan of the Ame- ricans: he uied frequently to dilpute on the fubject with the gardener of a nobleman who lived near us. This was generally done with good humour, over a pot of our beft ale ; yet the difputants fometimes grew warm, and gave way to language that could not fail to attract our attention. Mv father was worfted without

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doubt, as he had for antagonift, a ihrewd and fenlible old Scotchman, far his fuperior in political knowledge; but he pleaded before a partial audience : we thought there was but one wife man in the world, and that that one was our father. He who pleaded the caufe of the Americans had an advantage, too, with young minds : he had only to reprefent the king's troops as fent to cut the throats of a peo- ple, our friends and relations, merely becaufe they would not fubmit to oppreffion, and his eaufe was gained. Speaking to the paffions is ever fure to fucceed on the uninformed.

Men of integrity are generally pretty obfti- nate in adhering to an opinion once adopted. Whether it was owing to this, or to the weak- nefs of Mr. Martin's arguments, I will not pre- tend to fay, but he never could make a convert of my father: he continued an American, and fo ftaunch a one, that he would not have fuffered his belt friend to drink fuccefs to the king's arms at his table. I cannot give the reader a better idea of his obftinacy in this refpedl, and of the length to which this difference in fentimenr was carried in England, than by relating the following inftance.

My father ufed to take one of us with him every year to the great hop-fair at Wey-HilL The fair was held at Old Michaelmas-tide, and the journey was, to us, a fort of reward for the labours of the fummer. It happened to be niv turn to go thither the very year that Long-Ifland was taken by the Britim. A great company

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of hop-merchants and farmers were juft fitting down to nipper as the poft arrived, bringing in the extraordinary Gazette which announced the victory. A hop-fador from London took the paper, placed his chair upon the table, and began to read with an audible voice. He was oppofed, a difpute enfued, and my father re- tired, taking me by the hand, to another apart- ment, where we flipped with about a dozen others of the lame fentiments. Here Waftiing- ton's health, and ficcefs to the Americans, were repeatedly toafted, and this was the firft time, as far as 1 can recoiled, that I ever heard the General's name mentioned. Little did I then dream, that I mould ever fee the man, and frill lefs that I mould hear fome of his own countrymen reviling and execrating him.

Let not the reader imagine, that I wifh to afTume any merit from this, perhaps miflaken, prejudice of an honoured and beloved parent. Whether he was right or wrong is not now worth talking about: that I had no opinion of my own is certain ; for, had my father been on the other fide, I mould have been on the other lide too, and mould have looked upon the company I then made a part of as malcon- tents and rebels. I mention thefe circum- flances merely to fhow that I was not " nurfed " in the lap of ariftocracy," and that I did cot imbibe my principles, or prejudices, from thofe who were the advocates of blind fubmif- fion. If my father had any fault, it was not being fubmiffive enough, and I am much

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afraid my acquaintance have but too often dis- covered the fame fault in his fon.

It would be as ufelefs as unentertaining to dwell on the occupations and fports of a coun- try boy; to lead the reader to fairs, cricket- matches and hare-hunts. I mall therefore come at once to the epoch, when an accident hap- pened that gave that turn to my future life, which at la ft brought me to the United States.

Towards the autumn of 1782 I went to vi- fit a relation who lived in the neighbourhood of Portimouth. From the top of Portfdown, I, for the firft time, beheld the fea, and no foon- er did I behold it than I wifhed to be a failor. I could never account for this fudden impulfe, nor can I now. Almoft all Englifh boys feel the fame inclination : it would feem that, like young ducks, inftincl leads them to rum on the bofom of the water.

But it was not the fea alone that I faw : the grand fleet was riding at anchor at Spithead. I had heard of the wooden walls of Old Eng- land : I had formed my ideas of a ftiip and of a fleet; but, what I now beheld fo far iurpaffed what I had ever been able to form a conception of, that I ftood loft between aftonifhment and admiration. I had heard talk of the glorious deeds of our admirals and failors, of the defeat of the Spanifh Armada, and of all thofe me- morable combats that good and true Englifh- men never fail to relate to their children about

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a hundred times a year. The brave Rodney's vi&ories over our natural enemies, the French and Spaniards, had long been the theme of our praife, and the burthen of. our fongs. The fight of the fleet brought all theie into my mind ; m confuted order, it is true, but with irrefifti- ble force. My heart was inflated with national pride. The iailors were my countrymen, the fleet belonged to my country, and furely I had my part in it, and in all its honours : yet, thefe honours I had not earned ; I took to myfelf a fort of reproach for poiTeffing what I had no right to, and refolved to have a juft claim by fliariag in the hardfhips and the dangers.

I arrived at my uncle's late in the evening, with my mind full of my fea-faring projed. Though I had walked thirty miles during the day, and confequently was well wearied, illept not a moment. It was no fooner day-light than I arofe and walked down towards the old cattle on the beach of Spithead. For a fixpence given to an invalid I got permiflion to go up on the battlements : here I had a clofer view of the fleet, and at every look my impatience to be on board increafed. In fhort, I went from the caftle to Portfmouth, got into a boat, and was in a fev/ minutes on board the Pe^afus man ■ of war, commanded by the Right Honoura- ble George Berkley, brother to the Earl of Berkley.

The Captain had more companion than is generally met with in men of his profeffion : he reprefented to me the toils I muft undergo,

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and the punifhment that the leaft difobedience orneglecl: would fubje& me to. He perfuaded me to return home, and 1 remember he eon- eluded his advice with telling me, that it was better to be led to church in a halter, to be ti- ed to a girl that I did not like, than to be tied to the gang-way, or, as the Tailors call it, mar- ried to mijs roper. From the conclufion of this wholefome counfel, I perceived that the cap- tain thought I had eloped on account of a baftard. I blufhed, and that confirmed him in his opinion; but I declare to the reader, that I was no more guilty of fuch an offence than^ Mr. Swanwick, or any other gentleman who is conftitutionally virtuous. No ; thank hea- ven, I have none of the Franklintonian crimes to accufe myfelf of; my children do not hang their hats up in other men's houfes ; I am nei- ther patriot nor philofopher.

I in vain attempted to convince Captain Berkley, that choice alone had led me to the lea; he lent me on more, and I at laft quitted Portfmouth ; but not before I had applied to the Port-Admiral, Evans, to get my name en- rolled among thofe who were'deftined for the lervice. I was, in fome fort, obliged to ac- quaint the Admiral with what had paffed on board the Pegafus, in confequence of which my requeft was refufed, and I happily efcap- ed, forely againft my will, from the moft toil- fome and perilous profefiion in the world.

I returned once more to' the plough, but I was fpoiled for a farmer. I had, before my Portf-

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mouth adventure, never known any other am- bition than that of furpaffing my brothers in the different labours of the field ; but it was quite othenvife now; I fighed for a fight of the world; the little illand of Britain feemed too fmall a compafs for me. The things in which I had taken the moil delight were neglecled ; the finging of the birds grew iniipid, and even the heart-cheer- ing cry of the hounds, after which 1 formerly ufed to fly from my work, bound o'er the fields, and dafh through the brakes and coppices, was heard with the mofl: torpid indifference. Still, how- ever, I remained at home till the following fpring, when I quitted it, perhaps, for ever.

It was on the lixth of May 1783, that T, like Don Quixotte, fallied forth to feek ad- ventures. I was dreffed in my holiday clothes, in order to accompany two or three lafTes to Guildford fair. They were to affemble at a houfe about three miles from my home, where I was to attend them; but, unfortunately for me, I had to crofs the London turnpike road. The ftage-coach had juft turned the iummit of a hill and was rattling down towards me at a merry rate. The notion of going to London never entered mv mind till this very moment, yet the ffep was completely determined on, before the coach came to the fpot where I flood. Up I got, and was in London about nine o'clock in the evening.

It was by mere accident that I had money enough to defray the expenfes of this day. Being rigged out for the fair, I had three or

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four crown and half-crown pieces (which moft certainly I did not intend to fpend) befides a few fhillings and half-pence. This my little all, which I had been years in amaffing, melt- ed away, lite mow before the fun, when touch- ed by the fingers of the inn-keepers and their waiters. In fhort, when I arrived at Ludgate- Hill, and had paid my fare, I had but about half a crown in my pocket.

By a commencement of that good luck, which has hitherto attended me through all the litua- tions in which fortune has placed me, I was preierved from ruin. A gentleman, who was one of the paffengers in the ftage, fell into converfation with me at dinner, and he foon learnt that I was going I knew not whither nor for what. This gentleman was a hop-merchant in the borough of Southwark, and, upon clof- er inquiry, it appeared that he had often dealt with my father at Wey-Hill. He knew the danger I was in; he was himfelf a father, and he felt for my parents. His houfe became my home, he wrote to my father, and endeavoured to prevail on me to obey his orders, which were to return immediately home. I am afham- ed to fay that I was difobedient. It was the firft time I had ever been fo, and I have repent- ed of it from that moment to this. Willingly would I have returned, but pride would not fuffer me to do it. I feared the feoffs of my acquaintances more than the real evils that threatened me.

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■ My generous preferver, finding my obflina- cy not to be overcome, began to look out for an employment for me. He was preparing an advertiiement for the news-paper, when an ac- quaintance of his., an attorney, called in to lee him. He related my adventure to this gen- tleman, whole name was Holland, and who, happening to want an underftrapping quill- driver, did me the honour to take me into his fervice, and the next day faw me perched up- on a great high ftool, in an obfcure chamber m Gray's Inn, endeavouring to decypher the crabbed draughts of my employer.

■ I could write a good plain hand, but I could not^read the pot-hooks and hangers of Mr. Holland. He was a month in learning me to copy without almoft continual affiftance, and even then I was of but little ufe to him ; for, befides that I wrote a mail's pace, my want of knowledge in orthography gave him infinite trouble : fo that, for the firfl two months I was a dead weight upon his hands. Time, how- ever, rendered me ufeful, and Mr. Holland was pleafed to tell me that he was very well fatisfied with me, juft at the very moment when I began to grow extremely dkTatisfied with him.

, No part of my life has been totally unattended with pleafure, except the eight or nine months I paffed in Gray's Inn. The office (for fo the dungeon where i wrote was called) was fo dark, that, on cloudy days, we were obliged to burn candle. I worked like a galley-Have from five

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in the morning till eight or nine at night, and fometimes all night long. How many quarrels have I aflifted to foment and perpetuate be- tween thole poor innocent fellows, John Doe and Richard Roe ! How many times (God for- give me!) have I fet them to affault each other with guns, fwords, Haves and pitch-forks, and then brought them to anfvver for their mifderds before Our Sovereign Lord the King feated in His Court of Weitminfter ! When I think of the fa ids and foforths and the counts of tautolo- gy that I fcribbled over; when I think of thole meets of feventy-two words, and thofe lines two inches a part, my brain turns. Gracious heaven ! if I am doomed to be wretched, bury me beneath Iceland fnows, and let me feed on blubber; ftretch me under the burning line and deny me thy propitious dews; nay, if it be thy will, fuifoeate me with the infe&ed and pefti- lential air of a democratic club room; but fave me from the defk of an attorney !

' Mr. Holland was but little in the chambers himfelf. He always went out to dinner, while I was left to be provided for by the Laurtdrefs, as he called her. Thole gentlemen of the' law, who have refided in the Inns of court in London, know very well what a Launch efs means. Ours was, I believe, the older! and uglieft of the officious firlerhood. She had age and experience enough to be Lady Abbefs of all the nuns in all the convents of Irifh-Town. It would be wronging the witch of Endor to compare her to this hag, who was the only creature that deigned to enter into converfa-

( 24 )

tion with me. All except the name, I was in prifon, and this Weird Siller was my keeper. Our chambers were, to me, what the fubter- raneous cavern was to Gil Bias : his dcfcrip- tion of the Dame Leonarda exactly fuited my Laundrefs ; nor were the profeffions, or rather the practice, of our mailers altogether dif- fimilar.

I never quitted this gloomy recefs except on Sundays, when I ufually took a walk to St. James's Park, to feafl my eyes with the fight of the trees, the grais, and the water. In one of thefe walks I happened to call: my eye on an advertifement, inviting all loyal young men, who had a mind to gain riches and glory, to repair to a certain rendezvous, where they might enter into His Majefly's marine fer- vice, and have the peculiar happinefs and ho- nour of being enrolled in the Chatham Divifion. I was not ignorant enough to be the dupe of this morfel of military bombaft ; but a change was what I wanted : befides, I knew that ma- rines went to fea, and my defire to be on that element had rather increafed than diminifhed by my being penned up in London. In fhort, I refolved to join this glorious corps ; and, to avoid all poffibility of being difcovered by my friends, I went down to Chatham and enlifled, into the marines as I thought, but the next morning I found myfelf before a Captain of a marching regiment. There was no retreating : I had taken a milling to drink his Majefty's health, and his further bouuty was ready for my receptiou...

( 25 )

When I told the Captain (who was an Irifh- man, and who has fince been an excellent friend to me), that I thought myfelf engaged in the marines : " By Jafes, my lad," faid he, " and you have had a narrow efcape." He told me, that the regiment into which I had been lb happy as to enlift was one of the old- eft and boldeft in the whole army, and that it was at that moment ferving in that fine, flou- rifhing and plentiful country, Nova Scotia. He dwelt long on the beauties and riches of this terreftrial Paradife, and difmiffed me, per- fectly enchanted with the profpcft of a voyage thither.

I enlifted early in 1784, and, as peace had then taken place, no great hafte was made to fend recruits off to their regiments. I remained upwards of a year at Chatham, during which time I was employed in learning my exerciie, and taking my tour in the duty of the garrilbn. My leilure time, which was a very coniiderable portion of the twenty-four hours, was ipent, not in the dimpations com- mon to mch a way of life, but in reading and ftudy. In the courfe of this year I learnt more than I had ever done before. I fubfcribed to a circulating library at Brompton, the greateft part of the books in which I read more than once over. The library was not very confi- derable, it is true, nor in my reading was I di- rected by any degree of tafte or choice. Novels, plays, hiftory, poetry, all were read, and nearly with equal avidity.

D

( 26 )

Such a courfe of reading could be attended with but little profit : it was fkimming over the furface of every thing. One branch of learn- ing, however, I went to the bottom with, and that the molt effential branch too, the gram- mar of my mother tongue. I had experienced the want of a knowledge of grammar during my Hay with Mr. Holland ; but it is very pro- bable that I never mould have thought of en- countering the ftudy of it, had not accident placed me under a man whofe friendfhip ex- tended beyond his intereft. Writing a fair hand procured me the honour of being copyift to Colonel Debieg, the commandant of the garrifon. I tranfcribed the famous correfpond- ence between him and the Duke of Richmond, which ended in the good and gallant old Colo- nel being ftripped of the reward, beftowed on him for his long and meritorious fervitude.

Being totally ignorant of the rules of gram- mar, ^ I neceltarily made many miftakes in copying, becaufe no one can copy letter by letter, nor even word by word. The Colonel faw my deficiency, and ftrongly recommended ftudy. He enforced his advice with a fort of injunction, and with a promife of reward in cafe of fuccefs.

I procured me a Lowth's grammar, and ap- plied myfelf to the ftudy of it with unceafmg affiduity, and not without fome profit ; for, though it was a confiderable time before I fully comprehended all that I read, (till I read and fhidied with fuch unremitted attention, that, at

( 27 )

laft, I could write without falling into any very grofs errors. The pains I took cannot be de- scribed : I wrote the whole grammar out two or three times; I got it by heart; I repeated it every morning and every evening, and, when on guard, I impofed on myfelf the talk of fay- ing it all over once every time I was polled fentinel. To this exercifo of my memory I afcribe the retentivenefs of which I have fmce found it capable, and to the fuccefs with which it was attended, I afcribe the perfeverance that has led to the acquirement of the little learning of which I am mailer.

This fludy was, too, attended with another advantage : it kept me out of mifchief. I was always lbber, and regular in my attendance ; and, not being a cl unify fellow, I met with none of thofe reproofs, which difguft fo many young men with the fervice.

There is no fituation where merit is fo fure to meet with reward as in a well difciplined army. Thofe who command are obliged to reward it for their own eafe and credit. I was foon railed to the rank of Corporal, a rank, which, however contemptible it may appear in fome people's eyes, brought me in a clear two- pence per diem, and put a very clever worfled knot upon my ihoulder too. Don't you laugh now, Mr. Swanwick ; a worfted knot is a much more honourable mark of diitin&ion than a Cuflom-Hou/e badge; though, I confefs, the king muft have fuch people as Tide-waiters as well as Corporals.

( 28 )

* As promotion began to dawn, I grew impa- tient to get to my regiment, where I expe&ed foon to bafk under the rays of Royal favour. The happy day of departure at laft came : we fet fail from Gravefend, and, after a fhort and plea- fant palTage, arrived at Hallifax in Nova Scotia. When I firft beheld the barren, not to fay hide- ous, rocks at the entrance of the harbour, I be- gan to fear that the mailer of the veffel had miftaken his way; for I could perceive no- thing of that fertility that my good recruiting Captain had dwelt on with fo much delight.

Neva Scotia had no other charm for me than that of novelty. Every thing I faw was new : bogs, rocks and flumps, mufquitoes and bull-frogs. Thoufands of Captains and Colo- nels without foldiers, and of 'Squires without ftockings or fhoes. In England, I had never thought of approaching a 'Squire without a moll: refpectful bow ; but, in this new world, though I was but a Corporal, I often ordered a 'Squire to bring me a glafs of grog, and even to take care of my knapfack.

We ftaid but a few weeks in Nova Scotia, being ordered to St. John's, in the Province of New Brunfwick. Here, and at other places in the lame Province, we remained till the month of September, 1791, when the regiment was relieved, and fent home.

We landed at Portfmouth on the 3d of No- vember, and on the 19th of the next mouth I obtained my difcharge, after having ferved not

( 29 )

quite eight years, and after having, in that fhort fpace, pavled through every rank, from that of a private fent'mel to that of IS ergeant Major, without ever being once difgraced, con- fined, or even reprimanded. — But, lei: my fu- periors fpeak for me, they will tell ni}* friends and all my readers what I was during my fer- vitude.

" By the Right Honourable Major Lord Edward " Fitzgerald, commanding His Majejlys 54/^ " Regiment of Foot, whereof Lieutenant Ge- * neral Frederick is Colonel"

" THESE are to certify, that the Bear- er hereof, William Cobbett, Sergeant Major in the aforefaid regiment, has ferved honeftly and faithfully for the fpace of eight years, nearly feven of which he has been a non-commiffioned officer, and of that time he has been five years Sergeant Major to the regiment ; but having very earneftly applied for his discharge, he, in confideration of his good behaviour and the fervices he has ren- dered the regiment, is hereby discharged .

" Given under my hand and the feai " of the regiment, at Portfmouth, this " 19th day of December, 1791.

" EDWARD FITZGERALD."

I mail here add the orders, hTued in the garrifon of Portfmouth on the day of my dis- charge.

«<

( 30 )

fC Portfmouth, 19th Dec. 1791.

K Sergeant Major Cobbctt having mofl prefT- ingly applied for his difcharge, at Major " Lord Edward Fitzgerald's requeft, General " Frederick has granted it. General Frede- " rick has ordered Major Lord Edward Fitz- " gerald to return the Sergeant Major thanks " for his behaviour and conduct during the " time of his being in the regiment, and Ma- " jor Lord Edward adds his mofl hearty thanks " to thole of the General."

After having laid thefe pieces before my reader, I beg him to recollect what the Argus of New York and the Aurora of Philadelphia have aiTerted concerning Peter Porcupine's be- ing flogged in his regiment for thieving, and afterwards deferting. The monftrous, difor- ganizing, democratic gang were not aware that I was in poffeffion of fuch uncontrovertible proofs as thefe.

I hope, I may prefume that my character will be looked upon as good, down to the date of my difcharge ; and, if fo, it only remains for me to give an account of myfelf from that time to this.

The democrats have aiTerted, as may be feen in the preface, that I got my living in London by " garret-fcribbling," and that I was obliged to " take a French Leave for France, for fome " night work" — Now, the fa£t is, I went to

( 31 )

France in March, 1792, and I landed at New York in the month of October following; fo that, I had but three months to follow " gar- " ret-fcribbling" in London. How thefe three months were employed it is not neceffary to fay here, but that I had not much leifure for " gar- " ret-fcribbling" the ladies will be well con- vinced, when I tell them that I got a wife in the time. As to the charge concerning " night <c work," I am afraid I mull: plead guilty, but not with my " fingers," as thefe malicious fel- lows would infmuate. No, no, I am no rela- tion to Citizen Plato: the French ladies do not call me, the Garcon Fendu.

Before I go any further, it feems neceffary to fay a word or two about " French Leave." Did this expreffion efcape the democrats in an unwary moment ? Why " French Leave ?" Do they wifh to infinuate, that nobody but French- men are obliged to fly from the hands of thief- catchers? The Germans, and after them the Englifh, have applied this degrading expreffion to the French nation; but, is it not inconfift- ent,_ and even ungrateful, for thofe who are in the intereft, and perhaps, in the pay, of that magnanimous republic, to talk about " French " Leave r" It is fomething curious that this ex- preffion mould find a place in a paragraph wherein I am accufed of abufing the French. The fact is, the friendfhip profeffed by thefe people, towards the French nation, is 'all gri- mace, all hypocrify : the moment they are off their guard, they let us fee that it is the abomi- nable iyflem of French tyranny that they ar@

.( S* )

attached to, and not to the people of that coun- try.— " French Leave!" The leave of a run- away, a thief , a Tom Paine ! What could the molt prejudiced, the bittercft Englifhman have faid more galling and fevere againit the whole French nation?' They cry out againft me for " abufing" the cut-throats of Nantz and other places, and lor accufing the demagogue-tyrants of robbery; while they themielves treat the whole nation as thieves. 1 his is the demo- cratic way of warning out fraius; juft as the fwect and cleanly Sheelah wafhes her gentle Dermot's face with a dimclout.

Leaving the ingenious citizens to extricate themfelvcs from this hobble, or fall under the difpleafurc of their matters, I fhall return to my adventures. — I arrived in France in March, 1792, and continued there till the beginning of September following, the fix happieft months of my life. I fhould be the molt ungrateful monfter that ever exiftcd, were I to fpeak ill of the French people in general. I went to that country full of all thole prejudices, that Eng- lifhmen fuck in with their mother's milk, againfl the French and againft their religion: a few weeks convinced me that I had been deceived with refpeel: to both. I met every where with civility, and even hofpitality, in a degree that I never had been accuftomed to. 1 found the people, among whom I lived, excepting thole who were already blafted with the principles of the accurfed revolution, hoiicit, pious, and kind to excels.

( a )

People may faywhal they pleafe about the mifery of the French peafantry, undei the old

eminent; I have convcrfcd with thonbnd'-; of them, not ten among whom did riot, regret the change. 1 have not room here lo go into .-in inquiry into the c4ufei thai have led thefe

pie to become the paflive inftaumeuts, the (lave§, of a lei of tyrants fuch as the world u< '•! faw before, bw I venture to predict, that,

ici or later, they will return to thai form of gov< rnmeni under which they wen- happy, and

tinder which alone they can ever be fb again.

My determination to fettle in the United

States wtt formed before J went to France, and

n before! qnitted the army. A defire of

feeing a country, to long the theatre of a war

of which I had heard and read fo much; the flattering picture given of it by Raynai; and,

above all, an inclination for feeing the world,

Led me to this determination. It would look a little l'1" coaxing for me to lay, than I had im> bibed principles of repubiicanifm, and that I was ambitious to become a citizen of a free ftate, hut this was really the rale. I thought thai men enjoyed here a greater decree of li- berty than in England^ and this, if not the principal reafon, was at lead one, for my coming to this i ountry.

I did intend to ftay in France till the fpring of 179^, as well to perfed myfelf in the lan- guage,as to pafs the winter at Parisj bui I per- ceived the ftorm gathering; I faw thru a war with England was inevitable! and it was not

( 34 )

difficult to forefee what would be the fate of EngUihmen, in that country, where the rulers had laid afide even the appearance of juftice and mercy. I wifhed, however, to fee Paris, and had actually hired a coach to go thither. I was even on the way, when I heard, at Abbe- ville, that the king was dethroned and his guards murdered. This intelligence made me turn off towards Havre de Grace, whence I em- barked for America.

I beg leave here to remind the reader, that one of the lying paragraphs, lately publifhed in the lying Aurora, ftates, that I was whipped at Pa- ris, and that hence I bear a grudge againft the French Republic. Now, I never was at Paris, as I can prove by the receipts for my board and lodging, from the day 1 entered France to that of my leaving it ; and, as to the Republic, as it is called, 1 could have no grudge againft it; for the tyrants had not given it that name, when I was ib happy as to bid it an eternal adieu. Had I remained a few months longer, I make no doubt that I mould have had reafon to execrate it as every other man, woman, and child has, who has had the misfortune to groan under its iron anarchy.

Some little time after my arrival in this coun- try, I fent Mr. JefTerfon, then Secretary of State, a letter of recommendation, which I had brought from the American Ambaffador at the Hague. The following is a copy of the letter Mr. JefTerfon wrote me on that occafion-

cc

( 35 ) " Philadelphia, Nov. 5th, 1792.

« Sir,

<c

In acknowledging the receipt of your fa- vour of the 2d inflant, I wifh it were in my power to announce to you any way in which I could be, uleful to you. Mr. Short's ai- furances of your merit would be a iufhcient " inducement to me. Public Offices in our " government are fo few, and of fo little va- " lue, us to offer no refource to talents- When " you Ihall have been here fome fmall time, " you will be able to judge in what way you can fet out with the beft profpedt of fuccefs, and if I can ferve you in it, I fhall be very ready to do it.

li I am,

" Sir,

" Your very humble fervant,

" Tn. Jefferson-."

I will jafl: obferve on this letter, that it was thankfully received, and that, had I Hood in need of Mr. Jefferfon's fervices, I fhould have applied to him ; but as that did not appear likely to be the cafe, I wrote him a letter fome few months afterwards, requefting him to affifr. a poor man, the bearer of it, and telling him

( 36 )

that I mould look upon the affiftance as given to myfelf. I dare lay he complied with my requeft, for the peribn recommended was in deep diftrefs, and a Frenchman.

With refpeft to the authenticity of this letter there can be no doubt. I have mown the ori- ginal, as well as thofe of the other documents here transcribed, to more than fifty gentlemen of the city of Philadelphia, and they may, at any time, be feen by any perfon of credit, who Wifhes a fight of them. Nor have I confined the perufal of them to thofe who have the mis- fortune to be deemed ariftocrats. Among per- fons of diftant places, I have mown them to Mr. Ketlatas of New York, who, I mull do him the juftice to fay, had the candour to ex- prefs a becoming deteftation of the bafe cut- throat author of the threatening letter fent to Mr. Oldden.

I have now brought myfelf to the United States, and have enabled the reader to judge of me fo far. It remains for me to negative two affertions which apply to my authoring tranfa&ions : the one is, that " Mr. Bradford •' put a coat upon my back ;" and the other, that I am, or have been, " in the pav of a Britifh * Agent."

In the month of July, 1794, the famous Unitarian Do&or, fellow of the Royal Society, London, citizen of France, and delegate to the Grande Convention Nationale of notorious memory, landed at New-York. His landing

( 37, )

was nothing to me, nor to any body elfe ; but the fulfome and confequential addreffes, fent him by the pretended patriots, and his canting replies, at once calculated to flatter the peo- ple here, and to degrade his country and mine, was fomething to rne. It was my buiinefs, and the bufinefs of every man who thinks that truth ought to be oppofed to malice and hy- pocrify.

When the Obfervations on the Emigration of this " martyr to the caufe of liberty" were ready for the prefs, I did not, at firft, offer them to Mr. Bradford. I knew him to retain a rooted hatred againft Great Britain, and con- cluded, that his principles would prevent him from being inftrumental in the publication of any thing that tended to unveil one of its moft bitter enemies. I therefore addreffed myfelf to Mr. Carey, This was, to make ufe of a culinary figure, jumping out of the frying-pan. into the fire- Mr. Carey received me as book- fellers generally receive authors (I mean au- thors whom they hope to get but little by) : he looked at the title from top to bottom, and then at me from head to foot. — " No, my lad" fays he, " I don't think it will fuit"— My hd\— God in heaven forgive me ! I believe that, at that moment, I wiftied for another yellow fever to ftrike the city; not to deftrov the inhabi- tants, but to furnifh me too with the fuljed of a pamphlet, that might make me rich. — Mr, Carey has fold hundreds of the Obfervations fmce that time, and therefore, I dare lay he highly approved of them, when he came'to a

( 38 )

perufa: . At any rate, I muft not forget to fay, that he behaved honourably in the bufinefs; for, he promifed not to make known the au- thor, and he certainly kept his word, or the diicovery would not have been referved for the month of June, 1796. This circumftance, con- fidering Mr. Carey's politics, is greatly to his honour, and has almoft wiped from my me- mory that contumelious " my lad"

From Mr. Carey I went to Mr. Bradford, and left the pamphlet for his perufal. The next day I went to him to know his determi- nation. He hefitated, wanted to know if I could not make it a little more popular, adding that, unlefs I could, he feared that the publim- ing of it would endanger his windows. More popular I could not make ic. I never was of an accommodating difpofition in my life. The only alteration I would confent to was in the title. I had given the pamphlet the double ti- tle of, " The Tartu ffe Detected ; or, tbferva- " tious, &c." The former was fuppreffed, though, had I not been pretty certain that eve- ry prefs in the city was as little free as that to which I was fending it, the Tar tuff e Detected mould have remained ; for, the perfon on whom it was bellowed merited it much better than the character fo named by Molicre.

Thefe difficulties, and thefe fears of the book- feller, at once opened my eyes with refpeel to the boafted liberty of the prefs. Becaufe the laws of this country proclaim to the world, that every man may write and publifh freely,

( 39 >

and becaufe I faw the news-papers filled with vaunts on the fubjev5t, I was fool enough to imagine that the prefs was really free for every one. I had not the leaft idea, that a man's windows were in danger of being broken, if he publifhed any thing that was not popular. I did, indeed, fee the words liberty and equality-, the rights of man, the crimes of kings, and fuch like, in moll of the bookfeller's windows ; but I did not know that they were put there to fave the glais, as a free republican Frenchman puts a cockade tricolor in his hat to fave his head. I was ignorant of all thefe arcana of the liber- ty of the prefs.

If it had fo happened that one of the Whifkey^ Boys had went over to England, and had re- ceived addreffes from any part of the people there, congratulating him on his efcape from a nation of ruffians, and befeeching the Lord that thofe ruffians might " tread back the paths " of infamy • and ruin;" and if this emigrating " Martyr' in the caufe of whifkey had echoed back the hypocritical cant, and if he and all his palavering addreffers had been detected and expofed by fome good American, in London, would not fuch an American have received the applaufe of all men of virtue and fenfe? And what would, or rather what would not, have been Laid here againft the pioflituted prefs of Great Britain, had an Englifh bookseller tefti- fied his fears to publilh the truth, left his win- dows fhould be darned in?

( 4° )

The work that it was feared would draw down punifhment on the publisher, did not contain one untruth, one anarchical, indecent, immoral, or irreligious expreffion ; and yet the bookfeller feared for his windows ! For what ? Becaufe it was not popular enough. A bookfel- ler in a defpotic Irate fears to publifh a work that is too popular and one in a free ftate fears to publifh a work that is not popular enough. I leave it to the learned philoibphers of the " Age of Reafon" to determine in which of thefe itates there is the moft liberty of the prefs ; for, I mull acknowledge, the point is too nice for me: fear is fear, whether infpired by a Sovereign Lord the King, or by a Sovereign People.

I mall be told, that Mr. Bradford's fears were groundlefs. It may be fo ; but he ought to be a competent judge of the matter; he muft know the extent of the liberty of the prefs better than I could. He might be miftaken, but that he was fine ere appeared clearly from his not putting his name at the bottom of the title page. Even the Bone to Gnaw for the De- mocrats, which did not appear till about fix months afterwards, was " Publifhed for the " Purchafers." It was not till long after the public had fixed the leal of approbation on thefe pamphlets, that they were honoured with the bookfeller's name. It was fomething curious that the fecond and third and fourth editions fhould be entitled to a mark of refpe$ that the firfl was not worthy of. Poor little innocents! They were thrown on the parilli

( 4i )

like foundlings; no foul would own them, till it was found that they poffeffed the gift of bringing in the pence. Another Angularity, is, they got into better paper as they advanced. So the prudent matron changes the little dirty ragged wench into a fine mademoifelle, as foon as fhe perceives that the beaux begin to cair their eyes on her.

But, it is time to return, and give the read- er an account of my gains. The pecuniary concerns of an author are always the moft in- terelting.

The terms on which Mr. Bradford took the Obfervations, were what bookfellers cdXY pub- HJhing it together. I beg the reader, if he fore- fees the poffibility of his becoming author, to recollecl: this phrafe well. Fublijhing it toge- ther is thus managed : the bookfeller takes the work, prints it, and defrays all expenfcs of paper, binding, &c. 2nd the profits, if any, are divided between him and the author.

Long after the Obfervations were fold

off, Mr. Bradford rendered me an account (undoubtedly a very juft one) of the fales. According to this account, my mare of the profits (my fhare only) amounted to the fum of one /hilling and /even-pence half-penny, curren- cy of the State of Pennfylvania (or, about eleven-pence three farthings fterling), quite entirely clear of all deductions whatfoever!

F

( 42 )

Now, bulky as this fum appears in words at length, I preiume, that when 1/74- is reduced to figures, no one will fuppofe it fufEcient to put a coat upon my back. If my poor back were not too broad to be clothed with fuch a fum as this, God knows how I mould bear ail that has been, and is, and is to be, laid on it by the unmerciful democrats. Why! ij*j\, would not cover the back of a Lilliputian j no, not even in rags, as they fell here.

Befides, this clothing ftory will at once fall to the ground, when I allure the reader (and Mr. Carey will bear witnefs to the truth of what I fay), that, when I offered this work for publication, I had as good a coat upon my back, as ever Mr. Bradford or any of his bro- ther boo kfellers put on in their lives; and, what is more, this coat was my own. No taylor nor fhoemaker ever had my name in his books.

After the Obfervations, Mr. Bradford and I publi///ed it together no longer. When a pam- phlet was ready for the prefs, we made a bar- gain for it, and I took his note of hand, pay- able in one, two, or three months. That the public may know exadly what gains I have derived from the publications that hTued from Mr. Bradford's, I here fubjoin a lift of them, and the fums received in payment.

( 43 )

	Dols.	Cents
Obfervations ....	o	21
Bone to Gnaw, ift part	• 125	0
Kick for a Bite . . .	. 20	0
Bone to Gnaw, zd Part	40	0
Plain Englifh . . . .	IOO	0
New Year's Gift . .	. ICO	0
Proiped		0
Total	403	21

The belt way of giving the reader an idea of the generofity of my bookieller, is, to tell him, that upon my going into bufinefs for myfelf, I offered to purchafe the copy-rights of thefe pamphlets at the fame price that I had fold them at. Mr. Bradford's refufmg to fell, is a clear proof that they were worth more than he gave me, even, after they had pafTed through feveral editions. Let it not be faid, then, that he put a coat up- on my back.

My concerns with Mr. Bradford clofed with The Profpefi from the Congrejs- Gallery, and, as our feparation has given rife to conjectures and reports, I fhall trouble the reader with an ex- planation of the matter.

I propofed making a mere collection of the debates, with here and there a note by way of remarks. It was not my intention to publifh it in Numbers, but at the end of the feffion, in one volume; but Mr. Bradford, fearing a want of fuccefs in this form, determined on publifh-

( 44 )

ing in Numbers.- This was without my appro- bation, as was alfo a fubfcription that was open- ed for the fupport of the work. When about half a Number was fmifhed, I was informed that many gentlemen had expreffed their de- fire, that the work might contain a good deal of original matter, and few debates. In con- fequence of this, I was requefted to alter my plan ; I laid I would, but that I would by no means undertake to continue the work.

The firft Number, as it was called (but not by me), was published, and its fuccefs led Mr. Bradford to prefs for a continuation. His fon offered me, I believe, a hundred dollars a Number, in place of eighteen ; and, I fhould have accepted his offer, had it not been for a word that efcaped him during the converfation. He obferved, that their cuftomers would be much diiappointed, for that, his father had promifed a continuation, and that it fioald be made very inter e fling. This flip of the tongue, opened my eyes at once. What ! a bookfeller undertake to promife that I fhould write, and that I fhould write to pleafe his cuftomers too ! No; if all his cnjlomers, if all the Congrefs, with the Prehdent at their head, had come and folicited me; nay, had my falvation depended on a compliance, I would not have written ano- ther line.

I was fully employed at this time, having a tranflation on my hands for Mr. Moreau de St. Mery as well as another work which took up a great deal of my time ; fo that, I believe, I

( 4.5 )

mould not have publifhed the Cenfor, had it not been to convince the cujiomers of Mr. Bradford, that I was not in his pay ; that I was not the puppet and he the mow-man. That, whatever merits or demerits my writings might have, no part of them fell to his mare.

When Mr. Bradford found I was preparing to publifh a continuation of the remarks on the debates, he fent me the following note :

" Sir,

" Send me your account and a receipt for the laii publication, and your money mail be " fent you by

tt

" Yours, &c.

" Tho. Bradford." ** Phila. April 22, 1796.

To this I returned, for anfwer.

(l Philadelphia, 2 2d March, 1796. " Sir,

" I have the honour to poiTefs your laconic " note; but, upon my word, I do not under- " ftand it. The requeliing of a receipt from a

a

tx

( 4« )

perfon, before any tender of money is made, and the note being dated in April in place of March ; thefe things throw fuch an obfcurity over the whole, that I defer complying with its contents, till I have the pleafure of fee- ing yourfelf.

" I am

" Your moft obedient

tc Humble fervant,

" Wm. Cobbett."

This brought me a fecond note, in thefe words :

" Sir,

" Finding you mean to purfue the Trofped, which you fold to me, I now make a demand of the fulfillment of your contract an<l if honour does not prompt you to full fill your engage- ments, you may rely on an applycation to the laws of my country and make no doubt I {hall there meet you on fuch grounds as will convince you I am not to be trifled with.

CI

I am

" Yours, &c " Tho. Bradford."

" March zi, 1796.

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Here ended the correfpondence, except that it might be faid to be continued for about five minutes longer by the hearty laugh, that I be- llowed on this correB and polite billet.

It is fomething truly lingular, that Mr. Brad- ford mould threaten me with a profecution for not writing, juft at the moment that others threatened me with a profecution for writing. It feemed a little difficult to let both at open defi- ance, yet this was done, by continuing to write, and by employing another bookfeller.

Indeed thefe bookfellers, in general, are a cru- el race. They imagine that the foul and body of every author that falls into their hands, is their exclufive property. They have adopted the bird- catcher's maxim : " a bird that can fmg, and *' wont fmg, ought to be made fmg." When- ever their devils are out of employment, the drudging goblin of an author mull fharpen up his pen, and never think of repofe till he is relieved by the arrival of a more profitable job. Then the wretch may remain as undifiurbed as a ileep-moufe in winter, while the ftupid dolt whom he has clad and fattened, receives the applaufe.

I now come to the afTertion, that I am, or have been, in the pay of the Britifh govern- ment.

In the firft place the democrats fwear that I have been " frequently vifited by a certain " Agent," meaning I iuppoie Mr. Bond: to

( 48 )

this I anfwer, that it is an abominable lie. I never law Mr. Bond but three times in my life, and then 1 had bufinefs with him as the inter- fere er of Frenchmen, who wanted certificates from him, in order to fecure their property in the conquered colonies. I never in my life fpoke to, correfponded with, or even faw, to my knowledge, either of the Britiih Minifters, or any one of their retinue. Mr. Bradford once told me, that Mr. Allen, the father-in-law of Mr. Hammond, laid he was acquainted with me. If this gentleman did really fay lb, he joked, or he told a lie ; for he never faw me in his life, that I know of.

A little while after the New Year's Gift was publifhed, an attack was made in the Argus of New York, on the fuppofed author of it ; in confequence of which, this fuppofed author, or fome one in his behalf, took occafion to ob- ferve, in Mr. Claypoole's paper, that it was uncandid to attribute to a gentleman of irre- proachable character, what was well kuown to be the woik of a democrat. I had a great mind to fay at that time, what I fhall now fay; and that is, that let this gentleman be who he will, 1 think myfelf as good as he, and of as good a character too ; and that, as to the diihonour attached to the publication, I am willing to take it all to myfelf.

It is hard to prove a negative ; it is what no man is expected to do; yet, I think lean prove, thatjhe accufation of my being in Bri-

( 49 )

tifh pay is not fiipported by one fmgle fact, or the leaft fhadow of probability.

When a foreign government hires a writer, it takes care that his labours fhall be diftributed', whether the readers are all willing to pay for them or not. This we daily fee verified in the dif- tribution of certain blafphemous gazettes, which, though kicked from the door with difdain, flies in at the window. Now, has this ever been the cafe with the works of Peter Porcupine ? Were they ever thrufted upon people in fpite of their remonftrances? Can Mr. Bradford fay that thoufands of thefe pamphlets have ever been paid for by any agent of Great Britain? Can he fay that I have ever diftributed any of them ? No ; he can fay no fuch thing. They had, at firft, to encounter every difficulty, and they have made their way fupported by public approbation, and by that alone. Mr. Brad- ford, if he is candid enough to repeat what he told me, will fay, that the Britifti Conful, when he purchafed half a dozen of them, infifted upon having them at the whole/ale price ! Did this look like a defire to encourage them ? Befides, thofe who know any thing of Mr. Bradford, will never believe, that he would have lent his aid to a Biitilli Agent's publicati- ons ; for, of all the Americans I have yet con- verfed v/ith, he leems to entertain the greateft degree of rancour agamfr. that nation.

I have every reafon to believe, that the Bri- tifh Conliil was far from aporoving of fome, at

G

( 50 )

leaf!, of my publications. I happened to be in a bookfeller's fhop, unfeen by him, when he had the goodnefs to fay, that I was a " wild " fellozv" On which I fhall only obferve, that when the King beftows on me about five hun- dred pounds iterling a year, perhaps, 1 may become a tame fellow, and hear my mailer, my countrymen, my friends and my parents, be- lied and execrated, without laying one finglc word in their defence.

Had the Mmifter of Great Britain employed me to write, can it be fuppofed that he would not furniih me with the means of living well, without becoming the retailer of my own works? Can it be fuppofed that he would have fuffered me ever to appear on the fcene ? It muft be a very poor king that he ferves, if he could not afford me more than I can get by keeping a book-fhop. An Ambaf- fador from a king of the Gypfies could not have acted a meaner part. V. hat! where was all the " gold of Pitt?" That gold which tempt- ed, according to the democrats, an American Envoy to fell his country, and two-thirds of the Senate to ratifiy the bargain : that gold which, according to the Convention of France, has made one half of that nation cut the throats of the other half; that potent gold could not keep Peter Porcupine from ftanding behind a counter to fell a pen-knife, or a quire of paper !

Muft it not be evident, too, that the keep- ing of a mop would take up a great part of my time? Time that was hardly v. orth a paying

( 5i )

for at all, if it was not of higher value than the profits on a few pamphlets. Every one knows that the Cenfor has been delayed on ac- count of my entering on bufinefs; would the Minifter of Great Britain have fuffered this, had I been in his pay? No; I repeat, that it is downright ftupidity to fuppofe, that he would ever have fuffered me to appear at all, had he even felt in the leaft interfiled in the fate of my works, or the efted they might produce. He mud be feniible, that, feeing the uncon- querable prejudices exifting in this country, my being known to be an Engliihman would operate weightily againft whatever I might ad- vance- 1 law this very plainly my fell ; bur, as I had a living to get, and as 1 had deter- mined on this line of bufinefs, fuch a consider- ation was not to awe me into idleneis, or make me forego any other advantages that I had reafon to hope I fhould enjoy.

The notion of my being in Britifh pay arofe from my having now-and-then taken upon me to attempt a defence of the chara&er of that nation, and of the intentions of its government towards the United States. But,' have I ever teazed my readers with this, except when the fubjeft neceffarily demanded it? And if I have given way to my indignation when a hy- pocritical political divine attempted to degrade my country, or when its vile calumniators call- ed it " an infular Baftile," what have I done more than every good man in my place would have done ? What have I done more than my duty; than obeyed the feelings of my heart?

( 52 )

When a man hears his country reviled, does it require that he mould be paid for fpeaking in its defence?

Beiides, had my works been intended to in- troduce Britifh influence, they would have af- fumed a more conciliating tone. The author would have flattered the people of this coun- try, even in their exceffes ; he would have en- deavoured to gain over the enemies of Britain by fmooth and foothing language; he would have " flooped to conquer;" he would not, as I have done, rendered them hatred for hatred, and fcorn for fcorn.

My writings, the firft pamphlet excepted, have had no other object than that of keeping alive an attachment to the Conftitution of the "United States and the ineflimable man who is at the head of the government, and "to paint in their true colours thofe who are the enemies of both; to warn the people, of all ranks and defcriptions, of the danger of admitting among them, the anarchical and blafphemous princi- ples of the French revolutionifts, principles as oppofite to thofe of liberty as hell is to hea- ven. If, therefore, I have written at the in- flance of a Britifh agent, that agent muft molt certainly deferve the thanks of all the real friends of America- But, fay fome of the half democrats, what right have you to meddle with the defence of our government at all?— — The fame right that you have to exact my obe- dience to it, and my contribution towards its fupport. Several Englilhmen, not fo long in

( S3 )

the country as I had been, ferved in the mili- tia againft the weflern rebels, and, had I been called ofi, J muft have ferved too. Surely a man has a right to defend with his pen, that which he may be compelled to defend with a mufquet.

As to the real, bloody, cut-throats, they carry their notion of excluding me from the nfe of the prefs Itill further. " While" (fays one of them) " While I am a friend to the unlimited freedom of the prefs, when exercifed by an American, I am an implaca- ble foe to its proftitution to & foreigner, and would at any time aflift in hunting out of foci- ety, any meddling foreigner who mould dare to interfere in our politics. I hope the apathy of our brethren of Philadelphia will no longer " be indulged, and that an exemplary ven- " geance will foon burft upon the head of inch

c< a prefumptuous fellow. Jujlice, honour,

(C national gratitude, all call for it. May it

" no longer be delayed.

" An American."

Are not you, Mr. Swanwick, the Prefident of the Emigration Society? Well, then, Sir, as your inftitution is faid to be for the informa- tion of perfons emigrating from foreign coun- tries, be fo good as to infert the little extract, above quoted, in your next difpatches for a cargo of emigrants. Above all, Sir, be fure to tell thofe who are difpofed to emigrate from England, thofe martyrs in the caufe of liberty; be fure to tell them that this is the land of equal

It

<c c< <c

( 54 )

libertv;that here, and here alone, they will find the true unlimited freedom of the prek but that if they dare to make life of it, /'•/"•" Ttlr, /ational gratitude, will call tor e,- " emplary vengeance on their heads.

1 fnonld not have noticed this ^0^ nvcen foreigners and AmencansMd I not pe clwed that feveral perfons, who are, genc.al- 1 peak hg friends to their eonntry, feeni to ' hink that t was impertinent in me to meddle wkh the polities here, beeanfe I was an Eng- firmam I wonld have thefe good people o g3&. that the laws of this jWjVg ™t to foreigners, an offer of all that liberty o? the pref which Americans enjoy, and that, tf this liberty be abridged, by whatever means f mav be done, the laws and the contention Till together is a mere cheat; a fnare to IWW and enthnfiaftic of every other nation; a downright impofition on the world f people who emigrate : hither have not a &ht to make nfe of the liberty of the T2 while the natives have, it is very ill done

P II Xs a country of equal liberty. Equal, t0 eall t isa com ,

above all eg*™*. ,s f ;f none but Ameri- Can tve0 a rf o Ae p'rfs, they are the maf- retard fore gteL are their fobjeds, nay their Paves An honourable and comfortable fin* ila\es. Au grants from lome

( 55 )

in duty bound to do; but, for my part, who have not the ambition to afpire to the crown ot martyrdom, I muft and I will be excufed. Ei- ther the laws mall be altered, or I will con- tinue to avail myfelf of the liberty that they held out to me, and that partly tempt- ed me to the country. When an a& is pafiL- ed for excluding Englishmen from _ exercii- ino- their talents, and from promulgating what they write, then will I defift ; but, I hope, when that time arrives, no aa will be palled to prevent people from emigrating back again.

Before I conclude, it feems neceffary to fay a word or two about the miferable ftuft, wmch the democrats have had recourfe to, refpe&mg the infamous letter of Citizen HinU Ihey- now pretend, that I fabricated it niyielf, though I have publicly declared, that it was deliver- ed into my hands by a gentleman of reputati- on, whole name I have mentioned. Can any one be ftupid enough to imagine, that I would,, particularly at this time, have run tne nik oi bemo- deteaed in fuch a (hameful buimeis ? And, how "could it have been undertaken without run- ning that rilk ? Had I written it myfelf, there would have been my hand-writing agamft me, and had I employed another, that other might have betrayed me; he might have rumed me in the opinion of ail thole, whom it is my in- tereft as well as my pride to be efteemeci by ; or, at beft, I fhould have been at his mercy for ever afterwards.

( 56 )

Befides the great ri/k of detection, let any one point out, if he can, what end I could propofe to myfelf by fuch a device. As to making my fhop and myfelf kmmn, I prefume 1 did not ftand m need of a fcare-crow, to ef-

t J fV-n , n the kind democrats themfelves had pubhflied to the whole Union, that I had taken the houfe in which I live, for the purpofe of retailing my « poifon," as they called it, fi? I d_eve? h** the candour to tell the world, tnat : 1 had paid my rent in advance.* They affedi: to believe, fometimes, that the letter was a mere : trick to bring in the pence, and, in one of their lateft paragraphs, they call me a

cZl" -I-5 r Mr' FrankHn Bache's "editable and in- corrup ubie Gazette, that I was indebted for this volun- teer advertifement. This was generous in a deck ed foe ; but : thofe will not be aftonilhed at the editor's can- dour and tolerating pnncipies, who are acquainted with the following anecdote.

From the European Magazine, for Sep. - J795> page 156.

"When Voltaire arrived at Paris, an interview took place between him and Franklin. .After the firft com- phments, which by the way were more adulative than

T?°ru VV1Ah th£ Charafter of ™ American, and ' it™ \rf ' ftCVn RePllbli^n, the Doftor presented

« ":rsran^011 a y°lta*ire> « ww*. ^ wm his

. W/^, The philofopher of impiety reliihed the plea- (antry ; and to render the farce complete, he rofe from his chair and with a patriarchal air, laid his hands on the head of the child, and folemniy pro- nounced, in a loud voice, thefe three words : 6W, L^r/y and Toleration. All the pious were fhocked

«< ?„ n? T^ Wh°' the? faid' barlefqued Religion in afking the bUffing of Voltaire." °

( 57 )

" catch-penny author." But, let thern recol- lect, that I am now a bookfeller, whole trade it is to get money; and if I am driven to fuch ftiifts as the Scare-Crow, to get a living, let them reconcile this circumftance with their alTertions concerning my being liberally paid by Great Britain. A man 'in Britifh pay, rolling in " the Gold of Pitt," could certainly never be fo reduced as to venture every thing for the fake of collecting a few eleven-penny bits. It is the misfortune of the democrats ever to fur- nifh arguments againft themfelves.

Thofe who reafon upon the improbability of the democrat's fending the threatening letter, do not recollect the extract I have above quoted from the Aurora, in which the people of Phi- ladelphia are called upon to murder me, and are told, that "jujlice, honour, and national " gratitude demand it." Is it very improba- ble that men, capable of writing paragraphs like this, fhould, upon finding the people deaf to their honourable insinuations, attempt to in- timidate my landlord by a cut-throat letter ?

Their great object is to lilence me, to this all their endeavours point : lies, threats, fpies and informers., every engine of Jacobinical invention is played off. I am forry to tell them, that it is all in vain, for I am one of thofe whofe obftinacy increafes with opposi- tion.

H

OCT 10 1928

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